Wednesday, September 21, 2005

To Withstand the Blows.

I have exiled myself from life because I have felt that I do not deserve it. And though I sit and long for involvement and tell myself that I must risk some part of myself and become a part of things, I know that I do not deserve to be involved because I will never risk what others risk. I have thought that I have felt things more strongly than another only because I have been more aware of my feelings. But my awareness lends me control and others are lost in what they feel and so are more affected by it. I know I have too often hurt more deeply than I have been hurt and told myself all along that I cannot affect others because I have not wanted to take responsibility for the damage I have done. When I stub my toe I howl, I curse, I spin around the room with my foot in my hand and then I laugh at the spectacle I myself have made. But I have seen those whose eyes darken in silence when they feel pain. They take it into themselves and life picks slowly away at their ability to live with each splinter and thoughtless, angry word. When I express a thing I make it mine, but I also fling it into the world that I might experience it as an outsider and with an outsider's perspective of my exact relationship to life. I peer down at my mad shouting dance around the room and the movement and the noise become as important as the dull throbbing within me. What is written, far more even than what is said (since most people do not listen even to themselves when they speak), is understood and so no longer a part of those dark, unapprehended reaches of the brain that sink us in our miseries and drive us to our deaths. And I think sometimes that I do not have the strength to withstand the blows of an unconscious life.


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